I can never be ready; I can always try.

Last night, I was with Abi and Jerome to attend the Monday Devotion to OLA. Our Obreros friends, Idris and Matthew, were not able to attend for they have work and school classes, respectively, every night. At least, other Obreros are friendly. Before praying rosary, I had the opportunity to visit first the Blessed Sacrament in the Adoration Chapel at the right side of the church. I had the opportunity to ask Him questions that haunt me the last night.

When will I be ready?

Am I worthy?

What should I do to follow You?

I told Him that I am willing to wait for His answers. And I started praying that He use other people as His instruments in answering my questions. I now have my own answer: “I can never be ready; I can always try.” But I never expected I could encounter His answer right there, right then, that same night.

I was surprised that Fr. Mike, the assistant Parish Priest of OLAP, saw us while waiting for our ordered fishball-turned-to-kikiam-because-fishballs-are-already-soldout after we left the church. He started a short conversation. He asked us how was our bowling experience which he failed to join last Sunday. Then he turned to me once more before he left us. “Kailan ka papasok...Paano mo malalaman ang kasagutan sa bokasyon mo kung hindi mo susubukan? Post ka lang ng post sa FB, wala ka namang ginagawang hakbang. Pagnilayan mo.” I was astounded with his remark. These words pondered to my mind that moment until I reach home. Until today.

I am sinful; I have no doubt about it. I have done grave actions that offended God, yet I thought my charity would suffice the emptiness and hurt in my part. A hypocrite! That is what I am. I feel sorry for hiding myself to people who are dear to me as I was afraid that they won’t accept me for who I am. I was afraid to be rejected. Now, I realized that I can’t please everyone, but because of these rejections I realized that I am able to love myself. I will never attain such point wherein I’ll be ready and be worthy of Him, only I can try and prepare.

Every now and then, I choose to go to confession. Just to take suggestions and perspectives of different priests about my concern on vocation.

But how should I really prepare myself? What steps should I take at this moment? There is so much to do in such a span of time. I hope it’s not too late to start again.


On the other note, I was so happy for this week I made such a big decision. I always feel shy inside the church, or the BPI chapel for this matter, where I just take my favorite seat every time I attend Mass. The guitarist, named Arem (I hope I got his name right!), has been seeing me attending Mass every day. In the canteen, he approached me and invited me to join them in the choir. I know I can sing and I love to sing Mass songs, but not to the point of joining any choir. Pero malakas ang hatak ni Lord! Napa-oo ako sa imbitasyon. I believe Arem is made instrument by God to invite me to serve in the Mass at our BPI Chapel. In that big decision, I hope to learn a lot. I hope to make friends with them. I pray to serve Him that way. Finally, I can say I could sing of Your love forever.