Discernment.

“Have you ever thought about being a priest?”

It was totally random and out of the blue, yet quite coincidental as I had joked with my friends about being a priest a couple of days before. On retreat that weekend, I asked God what He thought, and after an hour of adoration, I knew that being a priest was a possibility. I have been praying, sometimes begging God to show me what my vocation is ever since that day.

To be honest, I felt lost. Some days I would think that being a priest was my calling, others that having a family was. In my life I would see signals everywhere — a bible verse that told me to be a priest and a baby that told me to be a dad. It distressed me; I was frustrated a lot of the time, and it began to wear on me. I was asking God why he didn’t just tell me what was up.

But then God showed me an opportunity — a discernment retreat run by the Archdiocese of Boston. Naturally, being so confused about what I should do with my life, I decided to attend.

Idid not go into the retreat with high expectations — I expected to find some clarity, yes, but I did not think that I would leave the retreat any more sure of my decision than when I arrived. I was right. Sort of. I still have no idea whether I want to be a priest, a dad, a single man, or a religious person. But I did discover two huge misconceptions I had about the discernment process.

1. YOUR VOCATION IS NOT A PROBLEM TO SOLVE

I was so worried about what the answer to this “problem” was that I wasn’t letting God work naturally in my life. The thing is, a vocation is not a problem to be solved. It’s a call from God to be loving, joyful, and holy. In other words, it is our true path to sainthood. I may still not know where God is calling me, but for the first time that doesn’t distress me.

I used to want God to just tell me the answer — now I want to experience the journey of finding out. It is odd, but I have never been happier about not knowing where God is calling me. For the first time I’ve truly realized that I don’t need to worry because God is not going to let me take the wrong path.

2. GOING TO A SEMINARY DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE A PRIEST

A seminary is just another step in the discernment process, and entering does not mean that your decision is final. The seminary is the best place to go if you really want to know God’s call for you, because it is there that you will discover whether priesthood is or isn’t for you. With this knowledge I now have a great desire in me to enter a seminary. I don’t want to go because I am totally sure I want to be a priest, but because I want to discover if I do.

For now I will continue to pray about my vocation and ask God to help me find it, but I will no longer ask Him to write the answer on the ground in front of me with lightning bolts. Instead I will wait patiently and know that God has plans for me and will not let me choose the wrong vocation.

Discernment.

Ang discernment* ay isang habambuhay na paglalakbay, kaya ang pagpili kong huwag munang pumasok sa ngayon ay hindi nangangahulugang isinasarado ko na ang pintuan para sa posibilidad na iyon.

Totoo at naniniwala akong may mas malaking mundo sa loob. Oo, isang maliit na espasyo ng mundo ang seminaryo, subalit masasabi kong sa pamamagitan ng klase ng buhay ng mga taong naroon, bawat isa sa loob ay alam ang kahulugan ng responsibilidad – isang malaking salita, para sa mga matatanda. Ang kamay ng mga seminarista ay kailanman hindi natitigil sa pagkilos. Lagi at lagi silang abala sa kahit na ano at sa lahat ng ano mang gawain, basta lagi silang malinis at malayo sa kasalanan.

Ang buhay sa loob ng seminaryo ay payapa ngunit puno ng adventure. Pero kung papasok ako ngayon, palagay ko hindi ko makakayanan ang maka-survive. May mga bagay pa rito sa labas na hindi ko pa maiwan-iwan. Kung papasok ako ng seminaryo ngayon, para akong isdang inalis mula sa tubig. Sa ngayon, isa lang ang sigurado ako tungkol sa pagpasok ko sa loob, babalik ako kapag nagkaroon na ako ng baga.

Tanglawan Mo ang daan, Panginoon. Maghari Ka nawa sa aking buhay, at patnubayan ako. Pahintulutan Mo akong malaman ang tunay na plano Mo para sa akin.


*hango sa usapan namin ng isang Paring Salesiano matapos akong mangumpisal

Lord, why me?

The seminarian experiences the beauty of that call in a moment of grace which could be defined as “falling in love.”  His soul is filled with amazement, which makes him ask in prayer: “Lord, why me?”  But love knows no “why;” it is a free gift to which one responds with the gift of self.

--Pope Benedict VI in a meeting with seminarians for the Twentieth World Youth Day, 19 August 2005